Sunday, January 16, 2011

10 Things I Learned From Miss America 2011


It seems as though the half of the world that wasn't watching the Packers/Falcons game last night was watching the 90th installment of the Miss America Pageant.

Miss America, as well as Miss Mississippi, has been an annual event in the Walden family. Dad locks himself in his room (or in yesterday's case, he goes to the hotel and leaves Mom with me), and my mom, sister and I, no matter where we are, commence with the shameless and heartless commenting. It's a good thing the pageant is on a Saturday night because I almost always feel at the brink of hell's doorstep after some of the things I've said and a good Sunday morning of confession is almost always a must-do.

Yet it's all in good fun, and well, if you're going to get on national television in a bikini, then we, the national audience, are rendered the right to comment.

This year's pageant, however, was more entertaining than previous years. I'm not sure whether it was heightened cynicism on our end or the complete lack of talent on the pageant's end but nevertheless, the 90th anniversary handed America a truckload of entertainment last night which only makes me look more forward to the 100th anniversary (should we all live long enough to see it given that we aren't struck by lightning in the next 10 years).

So, without further ado and in no random order, I give you my list of 10 things I learned from Miss America 2011:

1. A wig and a sad story will get you into the top 10 nine times out of ten, but once you're there, you're on your own. (All kidding aside, I loved this girl and thought she was precious and is doing some incredible things with her platform as Miss Delaware.)

2. Did y'all know moonwalking originated from Irish riverdance?

3. Bringing back ventriloquism and yodeling will win you points with the viewers but not with the judges.

4. Also, who knew the girl with the dummies on her hands would be a better singer than the ones who sang dummy-less.

5. Note to self: Do some background research on the song I will sing for my talent. For instance, "Nessum Dorma", Miss Arizona? Not supposed to be sung by a woman. How do I know? My sister is an operatic encyclopedia. That's how I know.

6. "Papa Was A Rolling Stone", Miss Washington? Pretty sure that's the image the Miss America Organization wants to portray. Did she even hear what she was singing? "Papa never worked a day in his life...he had three outside children and another wife."

Also, her platform? Mentoring: Positive Influences That Can Change A Life.


7. I'm pretty sure I could've won at least a talent preliminary with a paper bag over my head. And that's not saying much for the girls who competed considering I'm not even remotely the most talented person in my family.

8. Never ask a contestant who was just cut what she would've done for her talent had she been voted into the top 12. Why? Because her answer of "I would've tap danced to '9 to 5'" would've commenced a collective "Bless Her Heart!" from every women in the southeast United States.

9. Heather Whitestone is just as darling today as she was back when she won the title.

10. I wholeheartedly believe Chris Harrison wouldn't have a job if it weren't for girls who want to put on an evening gown and compete for money and love.

Did I mention the Miss Arkansas (a.k.a. The Yodeling Ventriloquist) should've won? I told my sister had she gotten rid of the dummies and just sang a song, she would've had it in the bag. But, had I taken my own advice and gotten rid of the dummies and gone about my business, my love life might've turned out differently. So who am I to judge?

What about you? Did you watch the pageant? Did your favorite get into the top 15 or even win?

P.S. The Packers won, which kept alive my streak of losses for the team I pulled for. I'm convinced the Bears will win the Super Bowl because they are the only team that have pulled for who has continued to win. Let's hope I didn't just jinx them.


  1. I like your observations. I made Wes watch the pageant with me, and I made almost the same comments the whole time! Without Miss MS or Miss AL to cheer for, all I could do was criticize! :) I do have one thing to add...Miss America is just 17! How pissed are all those contestants who have been slaving away at preliminaries, state titles, etc. for years just to have a teenager steal their glory?! ha!

  2. GOOD GRIEF!!! GIRLS!!!!!

    It's a scholarship program!!!!!!!!!