Monday, June 15, 2009

The Chlorine Got To My Brain

Today I started a two-week (four days a week) span of life-guarding for Samford's soccer camp.

I really wish I was a pre-teen again so I could attend this camp. They get to be in cool country groups (i.e. Spain, England, Italy, etc.) and they get to swim for 45 minutes before lunch and slide down an enormous water slide on the football field before the day is over with.

It's like a dream come true. Only a snow cone could make it better.

Anyway, so I get to spend an hour and a half away from my desk everyday (minus Fridays) for the next two weeks making sure these kiddos practice appropriate water safety. In an indoor pool. That has like 200 percent humidity. I'm still in a cloud of chlorinated fuzziness.

But I digress...

I tell you that, to tell you this: too much chlorine makes my brain not want to think of clever blog post titles.

Sue me.

I did run across two things today that I just had to comment on. The chlorine may have had an effect on my ability to come up with clever blog post titles but it did nothing to stunt my ever-flowing fountain sarcastic commentary.

So here goes...

This, as Dave Barnes tweeted this morning, is "my nightmare realized". This kid woke up yesterday to a snake in his bed. Not just any snake. A three-foot boa constrictor. Seriously. Um. Yikes. Like want to run screaming into the ocean yikes.

The article said: "I started to panic when he started to slither at me," said (Kareem) Lewis (18), whose mom was at church.

No kidding.

It was probably God trying to tell you to get your butt out of bed and go to church, Kareem.

I bet Kareem will be sitting on the front pew next week.

(Warning: I'm about to blog about Taylor Swift and the Jonas Brothers. Seriously. I'll do anything to procrastinate.)

This craziness is killing me. Hell hath no furry like a teeny-bopper scorned, right? It's like the lyric wars have shifted from the realms of hardcore "gangsta" rap to the supposed harmless mouths of babes.

Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas will not give up. It's like being in the 10th grade hall of the high school of the music world. Which I guess is not that much of a stretch, considering they are still old enough to be in high school. Well, at least where I come from they are. Twenty-one and still in the 12th grade? Only in JPS. But again, I digress.

Sources say (hear that? It's like I'm hosting my own gossip show on the E! channel), that the two star-crossed lovers are taking stabs at each other with every new lyric they write.

Swift's new song "Forever and Always" seems to take a shot a the eldest JoBro stating: "Was I out of line? / Did I say something way too honest? / That made you run and hide like a scared little boy?"

Newflash Taylor. You're not the first girl who has written these lyrics or even had hoo-has to say something of this sort. And you won't be the last. He's a boy. It's nature.

The JoBros new song, "Paranoid", retaliates saying: "Caught in a nightmare / Can't wake up/ That's why my ex is still my ex / I never trust a word she says / I'm running all the background checks / And she's freaking out."

Just like a boy to make the girl look like a nutbag.

I'm just finding this all too funny. It's seriously like playground chatter.

"Nanny nanny boo boo."

What used to be reserved for the likes of 50 Cent and Eminem, has filtered down to the purest of all art forms -- the teeny boppers.

Lord, help us all.

At least they can still wear their purity rings with pride.

I hope.

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