(P.S. Today it snowed for about the sixth time in two months here in The 'Ham. That's redonk. And I still need to post pictures of the best snow we had a few weeks ago.)
It seems as though life has decided that kicking me in the butt is going to be its new hobby for a while so I've been trying deal with that.
Last week was a tough one, culminating with me sitting out in 40 degree weather for 12, 13 and 8 hours on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Such is the life of a softball sports information director. Like Fergie said, G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. Yeah. Don't be jealous.
(Sidenote: Any time I can't remember how to spell glamorous, I channel Fergie.)
Saturday took a toll on me that I haven't seen in a while. I reverted back to my five-year old self and threw a fit that would give my two-year old nephew a run for his Elmo Store money. After a day full of dumb questions, frigid temperatures, the one thing I was glad about was that nothing technically went wrong. Except, I spoke too soon. As soon as I could see the light at the end of the proverbial ice-covered tunnel, things went spiraling quickly and I went right down with them.
After apologizing to the appropriate people, and talking it out with the parental units (my absolute favorite thing in the world, although frustrating at times), I sat myself down in my empty apartment and had myself a good cry. I told God I never wanted to be that person again and then yelled and yelled and yelled at the devil to "get thee away".
Sunday wasn't much better but I handled it better because the only thing getting me through the day was that I could end it at church. Needless to say, as I was walking out the door to go to church, the problems kept arising. However, I knew in my heart that I needed to get to church more than those problems needed to be fixed. They would be there waiting for me two hours later, and I would have a better attitude to deal with them.
Funny thing is, my pastor was preaching on Leviticus. And I ugly cried. Who knew Leviticus could make you ugly cry? But let me tell you, that there third book of the Bible is chock-full of some amazing truth and is not one of those that should be skimmed lightly very often.
By the grace of God, my pastor spoke some truths into my life that I had completely forgotten, hence my dealing with things in those last couple of days in the absolute wrong way.
Leviticus 16 is all about the Day of Atonement and it shed some needed light on how I look at myself through the eyes of God.
So many times I expect too much of myself. I convince myself that I should be good at everything that I do and that I should be able to do everything that I do at my job right the first time. And in that, I'm continuously setting myself up for failure.
(Funny thing is, I give the complete opposite advice out to those who come to me down about themselves. I tell them that they can't expect to be good at everything and that we all make mistakes. Funny thing.)
In my professional life, I get offended when people attack my work, when they point out the negatives and never acknowledge the positives. And in my personal life, although I proclaim to not care what other people think about me and am quick to give my opinion, I'm forever fearful of disappointing those who are close to me or who are counting on me to do a good job at something.
This affects my walk with God immensely. When I'm drained and have hit my limit, I rarely look to my God for help. As I look back at my fit, I realize that I never once, not once, stopped and breathed and asked God to give me a good attitude in the whole thing. I quickly succumbed to the frustration and acted in an embarrassing angry way. Which was sinful. And then I beat myself up about it.
I let satan chew away at my self-esteem with the guilt and shame of the situation and meanwhile I can't hear God telling me that he's already forgiven me.
So the main truth that I must remember at all times is this:
I am sinful. And I deserve death. No doubt about it.
The great thing about God's grace is that I don't have to sacrifice a goat or a bull or a lamb to cover over my sins like those people in Leviticus 16. I don't have to put my sins on the head of a goat and send him far away into the wilderness never to be seen again.
Because God already did that.
In Leviticus, the Israelites had to present an annual sacrifice on the Day of Atonement to atone for all the sins of the people throughout the entire year. (Meanwhile, they do it just about every day as well.) A priest enters an earthly sanctuary and presents the blood of a spotless animal to God to cover over the sins of the people. God saw the sins of the people and was satisfied with the sacrifice of a substitute in the animal.
But that sacrifice would need to be repeated the next year. And the next. And the next. And it's a reminder of the sins that the people committed.
Now in the New Testament covenant, we have an abiding sacrifice in the death of Christ. A sacrifice that was made once and for all. Jesus is our high priest entering a heavenly sanctuary. And it's made possible because of the blood of a sinless man.
God saw our sin an was satisfied by the sacrifice of His Son. His own Son! It's a sacrifice that doesn't need repeating. Because it lasts forever. And it doesn't remind us of our sin. It removes our sin. Just like that goat in Leviticus 16:21-22, God placed all of our sins, even those fits we have in frustration, on Jesus Christ and sent them away to a place never to be seen or heard from again.
Isn't that just awesome to ponder?
Now, if I can just remember this the next time I decide to throw a fit.
Because fits aren't cute.
Especially when you are 26.