I received this email from my dad a few minutes ago and thought I should start the campaign trail before it was too late. My dad has decided to run for president. I think it's a pretty good idea. If you don't know my dad, you should. He's pretty much a superhero. He's overcome a lot in his life and he can fix anything...I mean, ANYTHING. He's pretty funny too.
If he wins, I will be his press secretary as only I can do, and he has graciously offer a wing in the White House.
Here is the text of the email with his platform: (P.S. We really do like Mexicans. Good food! Great times!)
After a careful review of the options for the up-coming election: I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE. HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) Press 1 for English is immediately banned. English is the official language. Speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'WalMart' policy: 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (Six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin' in, you ain't getting' nuttin' out. Neither the president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour work week and the successful completion of urinalysis.
(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you will be banned for life.
(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method: The first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There will be no more life sentences -- if you are convicted of a Capitol Offense, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim, gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed - Wheat -- The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes, but a vote for me will get you better than what you have and better than what you're gonna get.
"My Name is OLD COACH BOBBY WALDEN and I approved this message!"