Better Than I

So, life throws us curve balls every once in while. Well, okay. More often than we'd like it too.

There was a time in my life, a time in which I'm probably still in the halfway-in/halfway-out portion, maybe now more than halfway out, let's say about 80 percent out, but there was a time in which I was being throw a slow curve ball, over and over and over again.

I kept swinging. And striking out. I wasn't seeing the ball clearly.

The older I've gotten, the more experienced I've gotten, the better I've been able to handle that pitch. (This baseball analogy is not a good analogy for me considering that I've never played the sport in my life on the account that I'm freaked out by such a small, hard object flying at my body. It looks like it would hurt. Right?)

Anyhoo.

See, I've been struggling with this thought. This thought that I wish that I could go back and change the way I did some things. Actually, I wish that I could go back and change one big thing.

(I'm about to spill all my guts onto this here blog. This is one of my cathartic moments. Bear with me. Don't judge.)

See, I had this guy, once upon a time. I thought he was Prince Charming. Turns out he was just charming. Loved him to death. Still do. He's great kid. Just don't love him to death they way I thought I did. You know, back then. 

This guy became my identity. I threw off all I knew of finding my identity in Christ, and found my identity in this kid. Because he was all I knew. I found my happiness in him and that happiness is what made me...well, me. 

I isolated myself from friends and quit trying to make new ones because well, he was the only friend that I would ever need. For as long as we both shall live. You get where I'm going.

Turns out he didn't think the same way as I did. Or at least he said he did, got scared, realized what that actually meant and that he didn't actually feel that wawy, and got out quick. We broke up, and he got all the friends. My high school friends. They were all boys. So it's natural. 

From then on, I had no clue. I turned to the Word but I wasn't seeing it clearly. Curve ball, remember? That tricky little thing.

I started trying to make myself into what I thought he wanted. What I thought all the guys wanted. But it totally wasn't me and I found myself wanting. Still unhappy. Still alone. Still unfulfilled.

I eventually made new friends. Friends that I make time for now. Even if I have to travel three, four, five hours to visit. Friends whose weddings I've stood in. Friends who I know I can call for anything. Anytime. Anywhere.

But there's one Friend whom I had completely abandoned. A Friend whom I knew was still there yet I kept at arms length. Just in case things got really bad. 

My Father. My Savior. My Lord, Jesus Christ.

It took my Friend picking me up, taking me out of that yucky situation, and transplanting me into a new situation, with new surroundings, new friends and a new life, to realize what I had been missing. To realize where I could find my fulfillment.

In Him.

In three short years, my life has been completely turned upside down. I'm 25, about to be 26, and still single. I haven't had a boyfriend in four years and I'm still alive. I still battle with God often over this whole singleness thing but God wins. He always does. He's a rockstar. 

I look back over that time and think about what a crap hole I was in. (Sorry, Mom. It's the only way to describe it.) But I also look back over that time, and in the times I think about how much I would like to go back and change it, I quickly snap out of it and realize that I don't want to because that is what got me here.

I am more passionate about my God and my purpose in life (to make disciples of all nations) than I have ever been before. Wanna know why? Because before, I had NO CLUE. I was more worried about pleasing others around me and fulfilling my life with the things that others around me could give me, than the amazing blessings that my Father rains down on me day after day.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't see the glory of the Lord revealed to me in at least one way. Why? Because I'm looking for it. I'm seeing it better.

See, God's grace is like a pair of these. (Baseball analogy continued. Sorry, folks. It's all I know.) These little babies (contact lenses, for those of you who didn't click over) are tinted contact lenses that "provide excellent visual performance benefits for athletes and recreational wearers that help eliminate image distortion and improve field of vision".

Basically, a baseball player can pop these bad boys in and immediately see the ball better. The laces pop out allowing the batter to see the ball rather than what's surrounding it, thus enabling him to get more hits. He focuses on the ball. Not the background.

God is my ball. (This is where my analogy goes down the toilet.) In baseball, it's all about focusing on the ball. See the ball. Watch the ball. Good eye. Keep your eye on the ball. If you keep your eye on the ball, you'll accomplish what you need to accomplish.

So if I keep my eye on the ball (God), I'm sure to win every game, right? (Proverbs 4:25, Philippians 3:14, 4:13) I keep my eye on the ball and everything else fades into the background (image distortion and field of vision?). Whenever I think I can't do it, that's where God, through his grace, steps in and just does it for me. (Pinch hitter. Analogy taken too far? Okay, I'll stop.) 

So, basically, to bring this all back to the bible. I had a Job moment. (If you don't know Job, get a bible, turn to the middle, right before the Psalms and start reading. It's great.) I basically had everything I knew stripped from me. Everything I found my identity in. 

But God remained faithful. He continued to show up, even when I wasn't paying attention. He knew all along that that road would lead me to this place. He knew better.

And this place is so much better than anything I could have ever imagined. Probably not better than Heaven, but I can't imagine what that will be like, so I'm just going to leave it at that. 

There was a song sung today in church that I really wish I had written, because it truly was speaking my heart. I've included the lyrics below for you to ponder. Just when I think I have it all figured out, I have to remember that God ALWAYS knows Better Than I.

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answer
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
And just when I had given up
The truth is coming clear, for...

You know...Better Than I
You know...the way
I've let go...the need to know why
'Cause You know Better Than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing, I don't know
Is part of getting thru
I try to do what's best
Find faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my faith in You, for...

I saw one cloud, and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who tought them to fly
If I let You reach me...
Will You teach me? For...

You know...Better Than I
You know...the way
I've let go...the need to know why
I'll take what answers You supply
'Cause You know Better Than I