Thinking More...

This is a tidbit of a conversation that I had today. Through email, of course. I wanted to put it on her for shear reason of looking back on it a year from now and remembering what I was thinking. And also to solicite your prayers and help myself and other people understand what is going on in my head.

I think (some people) think that I'm unhappy with my job. In a sense, (they are) right. I haven't, however, said that I hate my job. I just feel "trapped", which is a word I seem to be using a lot lately.

I really do like my job, but as I've said before, I am a 25-year-old single girl and I have NO social life. No real friends here except for MAYBE two or three people that I would feel comfortable calling and saying, "Hey let's go do something."

And it's not because I haven't tried. I don't have time to try. I know (some people) say that I just need to make time, but the fact of the matter is, I don't even have time to make time. It's frustrating because I really thought I had figured out what I wanted to do. I remember talking about people who had gone through college and ended up not doing what they went to college to do or didn't even finish college and having no idea what they were going to do. Now, I have no reason to judge because I now know what they were feeling. To some degree.

There is a strong feeling that I am being "lead" to do something else. I don't know what that is yet, but for obvious reasons, I can't ignore that feeling. I actually hate that I'm feeling this way because I don't like change. And now that I think about it, I should've seen this coming. I would be perfectly fine staying in this job if I didn't have other goals and aspirations and desires for my life.

Point blank, I really don't think that I'm going to be able to cultivate true friendships and find a guy to marry me if I don't make a major change. My work doesn't excite me anymore and as I told my mom, I feel like I have exhausted my resources and my abilities here. She looks at it as me only having been here for six months, and although that's a technicality, that's completely not true. I've been here for three years. Doing the same thing. I just get paid more for it now. I really don't think that I've taken on anymore responsibility than I would have been expected to take on as an intern.

I've always said that this profession takes a special person, and I used to think I was that person. But let's face it, I am not the person I was three years ago when I decided that this is what I want to do. The desires of my heart have completely changed; they've become more streamlined with God's desires for me. And I honestly don't think that I can be a true servant with the job that I am in. My heart is heavy because I feel like my time is wasted here and I can do so much more.

I had three people last night invite me to do things but I had to tell them no because I had to work. That is so frustrating. I have not once been able to do one service project (besides our every-other-Tuesday-night outing at Highland Manor with Randall and Kisha) with my small group because it is always on a day that I have to work. And there have been only two social things that I have been able to do with that group because they were the only things that didn't fall on work nights.

It's frustrating to watch my "friends" do things and talk about things and laugh at inside jokes and plaster pictures up on the wall and share stories and know that I wasn't included because I had to work. No regular 25-year-old should feel like that.

I know some people may look at me and say, "Well this is the life you chose," but no one ever said that I couldn't change my mind. Or become a different person.