That's right. I'm completely burnt out. I never really thought I would get to this point so early in my life. (And I've learned, when you've worked 16 weekends in a row, all day every day, it's okay to go into work a 10 a.m. or later sometimes, especially when you've been at work until almost midnight the day before. Today, I went in at 11:45 a.m. and left to go on a volleyball trip at 1:45. It was the easiest day yet.) I've been going non-stop since August and really haven't had time to stop and think.
Yesterday, it happened. As I actually had a moment to myself in my office. I started to think. This is never a good thing for Katie, having lots of time to think. My mind starts racing, jumping from one scenario to another, one memory to the next. It's never good and usually ends in me crying my eyes out. Soon after, I'm usually quite vulnerable for the rest of the day and just about anything can send me into tears again.
I started thinking about my family, how I haven't seen them in about four months, which is entirely too long for this homebody.
I thought about my best friends, how each of them are in a different city and I barely have enough time to see each one when I'm remotely close to where they are or how I never have a free weekend to just drive to see them. And how I don't really have "best friends" here in Birmingham. My best friends are just too good to replace.
And then, I thought about me. How I'm single. Still. And how just about everyone around me is either getting married or having babies. Most who are younger than I am. And I'm only 25.
I thought about "the exes". The jerks and bad times. The "one that got away". And the "the one that almost was." And the one who would be perfect is he would just change this or that.
(This is quickly turning into one of those "Sex and the City" type posts, without the sex.)
Anyway, I had a little pity party for myself ,right there in my office. Then again as I talked to Bethany about it and I think at that point we just wish there was some teleporter that could take us the 400ish miles to each other in 1.2 seconds. Then once more with a co-worker, then once more on the phone with my mom later on in the day.
So when I get into this funk, as I was yesterday, I start trying to figure out what it is about me that is inadequate, or that just doesn't draw people to me like I want them to. Then today, I thought about something I wrote almost a year ago in the midst of reading the book, Captivating. I think it's time to share it again, because if there's anything I've learned from this blogging thing, it is this: We are all the same. We all go through similar trials and sometimes hearing (or reading) that someone is going through the same thing you are, gives you just enough of a boost to keep going.
"I'm reading this book called, Captivating. It's amazing! I'm not that far into it but even so, I've run into some things that are just clicking with me at the moment. The other day when I was reading, the author was talking about the beauty we have to unveil. It talked about how so many women just want to feel lovely and beautiful and wanted. Most little girls, to some extent, love to play dress-up. We play in our mothers' clothes and shoes and make-up because we want to be beautiful just like our mothers. And then when we are grown up and have a special occasion that we have to get dressed up for, we go all out. Most of us plan these things in advance. And then we all tell each other how "beautiful" and "lovely" we look.
"However, at some point in time, the desire becomes, not just for an outward beauty, but more for a desire to 'be captivating in the depths of who you are.'
"We all love the fairy tales and story of princesses and maids who are so beautiful but even more captivating on the inside. Here's an excerpt that touched me:
'…Cinderella is beautiful, yes, but she is also good. Her outward beauty would be hollow were it not for the beauty of her heart. That's why we love her. In The Sound of Music, the Countess has Maria beat in the looks department, and they both know it. But Maria has a rare and beautiful depth of spirit. She has the capacity to love snowflakes and kittens and mean-spirited children. She sees the handiwork of God in music and laughter and climbing trees. Her soul is Alive. And we are drawn to her. Ruth may have been a lovely, strong woman, but it is to her unrelenting courage and vulnerability and faith in God that Boaz is drawn. Esther is the most beautiful woman in the land, but it is her bravery and her cunning, good hear that moves the king to spare her people…For, don't you recognize that a woman yearns to be seen, and to be thought of as captivating? We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.'
"For so long I had been 'attached' that I forgot how it felt to be single. I really forgot how to act and I forgot how much I could do despite the fact that I was single. From the time that I was a sophomore in high school until I was a senior in college, I was 'attached'. Then I got the shaft. No, just kidding. Things just didn't pan out like I thought they would. After being with someone for three years, and a little bit more, I thought I'd met the man of my dreams and was ready to pick out a wedding dress. Then what to my surprise but the other person in the relationship just wasn't seeing things from my view. And I tried my hardest to make him see. It just didn't work...
"But what I've realized is being single is not so bad. I don't want to make myself into what I think a guy wants. What I've had to realize is that God's got someone out there who wants me for who I am. That guy is going to see that I'm a strong, independent Christian girl who has a passion for God and the things of God. I have a passion for missions. I would love to just pick up and go to South Africa or Honduras or New York City or somewhere like that to share the love of Christ with people who don't know him and declare his glory throughout the nations. There is guy out there who understands that and won't just look at me crazy because he's never had the desire to go out of the United States. There's a guy out there who will quote scripture to me when I'm down or frustrated and pray with me at the drop of a hat – even before a meal. There's a guy who wants to just stay in, just because he wants to spend time with me and then turns around and wants to spend an elaborate night out, not because I deserve it but because he thinks I do.
"There's a guy that will – like my dad says – take care of me because I'm the child of a King…and him. He'll treat me like he knows I should be treated, and even if he feels inadequate, he'll step up and be the man he thinks he should be because that's who he is.
"So I'm going to stop wishing for what I don't have and start praying for what God wants to give me, because God will give it to me when he thinks I'm ready – whether I'm 24 or 74.
"God is bigger than me and anything that I could ever worry about. Praise God for that! I don't know what I would do if I had to worry about the minor details in life, much less the major ones.
So, here I go. Out into the world, to act like the princess I am. The strong Ruth and courageous Esther and the fun-loving Maria and the gentle and hard-working, Cinderella. Not because I think I am, but because that's what I am in God's eyes."
So, I think every girl deserves a pity party every once in a while, but after the alloted 15 minutes is up, she must return to what it all comes down to -- God's will. Being a Christ-follower and a discple-maker. She must be completely satisfied whole in HIM before she can be completely satisfied and whole in anyone else. Having Martha's servant heart and Mary's utmost admiration for her Savior. And realizing that she is a princess. She's the child of THE KING. That's a job that I will never get burnt out on.